Ok, so mainly I am blogging about Elizabeth and how she is doing. However, I realized the other day that I have been playing the part of an actress for far too long and not letting anyone in and telling them what is going on with me and how I am feeling. Not even my closest friend realized how bad things were. I was diagnosed at 18 with severe depression and was even hospitalized for a bit because of it. I have been on and off antidepressants since then. I have also underwent counseling from time to time as well.
The last time I was in therapy was a few months after Elizabeth was born. I was having a very very hard time dealing with everything that had happened and what we were going through with her. It was after she had her tracheotomy placed, but before she got her feeding tube. However, my nursing service at the time had a lot to be desired and because of that and not much support from Joe, I ended up having to stop therapy and believe you me, I didn't want to.
So what I ended up doing was started to bottle everything I was feeling and dealing with up and just put all my effort into taking care of Elizabeth. My life at that point ceased to exists and instead I was totally living only for Elizabeth and what she needed. Over the next two years I continued to do that. Taking her to appointments, therapies, staying in the hospital while she was sick or had surgeries. I rarely went out and did anything for myself or had any type of life outside of Elizabeth. I did go to school, but most of it was online and there were even times I had to drop classes to care for Elizabeth.
I'm not trying to bad mouth Joe, but he was absolutely no help during this period for me. He still went to work, hung out with friends and basically for him, his life continued as it had before we had Elizabeth. He slept through the night and got to stay at home in our bed while I stayed at the hospital. He did whatever it was that he wanted to do with no regards to me or Elizabeth. He even got to continue with his therapy for bipolar. And when we didn't have nursing care it didn't fall to him to care for Elizabeth, instead it was all on me. And to top it off we had his daughter Quincie every other weekend as well and it was me who cared for her as well. Yes, he was working, but even that wasn't continuous. He had a very hard time keeping a job and his temper was out of this world.
I really hoped that when Elizabeth's trach came out things would be easier and more manageable for me. However, that wasn't the case. In fact I lost nursing care and because of problems between Joe and I , I moved up north with Elizabeth and in with Stacey. I thought being up here would allow me to have more support and help from family. That didn't turn out the way I had hoped. But i kept moving along and just kept bottling everything up.
We have now been here for a year and in all honesty this last year has been total hell for me. Since February I haven't been able to keep Elizabeth healthy for longer than a couple weeks at a time. And most don't realize it, but when she is sick, she needs breathing treatments every 4 hours around the clock and may need intervention even between those times. So I don't get much sleep. Then add to that all the hospital stays this last month and all the numerous doctors appointments to find out what is wrong and I have been a mess. On top of all that, there has been a lot going on with me personally that I'm still not ready to get into with many people. Those closest to me know what I have been dealing with and how it has affected me.
One thing I will say is that I have been having a very hard time with some of the choices I have made, such as leaving Joe. I know I needed to do it and it is what is best for me and Elizabeth, but I still have moments where I am weak and feel like I am doing the wrong thing. Most of you know what my childhood was like and I don't want that by any means for Elizabeth. There is such a huge part of me that wants to go back and be miserable just so she has her family unit. I know it's not right, but there are times that my mind works on impulse and I don't think things through. I feel so guilty fro not staying with her dad and giving her that father figure. I go out of my way to make sure he stays a part of her life, when at times i know if it wasn't for me, he probably wouldn't even be a part of her life on his own. Then there are the times that I am so damn lonely and just want some companionship and an adult to talk to.
So needless to say I have been having a rough go of things. I have finally realized that I need to open up more to the ones that love me and let them in more so that maybe I can get the help I need. It has been so bad lately, that I am not doing anything for myself just functioning and caring for Elizabeth. What I mean by this is that there are days that go by that I don't shower or even get dressed let alone brush my teeth. I know it sounds gross, but I just don't even want to get out of bed. Please know that Elizabeth is cared for and well. I make sure I care for her to the fullest, but I don't give a damn about myself at all. In fact all I want to do is sleep all the time and do as long as E is in school or asleep herself. I get super jealous when Joe tells me he is going out here and there and dating so and so. It's not because I want him, but I think, why in the hell is he able to do all this and act as if his life is still the same? What gives him the right? I mean he doesn't take Elizabeth even once a month, he hasn't had Quincie in over a year and he rarely if ever pays his child support,but he can go out and have fun and act as if he doesn't have any responsibility or care in the world. While I sit back and care for a sick child 90% of the time and have no social life what so ever. Hell, my sister was going to take E for me tonight, but once again E is sick, so I told her thanks, but I needed to keep her at home in case she gets worse. It just isn't fair. I know life isn't fair, but it makes it so much harder for me when I hear him tell me all this crap.
So the other day I finally called community mental health and I have an appointment for the 24th of this month to get evaluated and they have me referred to a Psychiatrist to get my meds reevaluated and see if I need to be on something different. I have been crying myself to sleep in a corner of my bathroom and no one even knew I was doing it. I have been hiding so much from everyone and when in public or talking to others, I have been telling them I am ok and everything is fine, when it is so far from it. There are times that I don't even feel like I'm a good mother and I am so damn sick of hearing from everyone how strong I am, cause if they really knew the truth they would know I am actually very weak, I just don't let on.
There is so much from my past I have never dealt with and I know that is a lot of my problems. I also know I have huge guilt over Elizabeth's birth and everything that has happened since then. I also have never really grieved, as weird as it sounds over everything i lost by having her so earlier and all the things I never got to do with her because of all the problems she has had. So I am finally going to get some help, hopefully, that will be able to be worker around Elizabeth's schedule.
So if I seem distant or bitchy, or cranky, so moody, please know I am trying real hard to get it all figured out and learn how to cope with all this. Please just keep me in your prayers and thoughts as I go through this time in my life.
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Check your myspace mail.
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