Stressed and frustrated

Lately Miss E has been a real piece of work. I love her to pieces, but she def knows how to push Mommy's buttons and which ones are the worst. She has really not been listening to me at all lately and also lying all the time!!! And the worse part is that she knows she's lying and being bad. The timeouts don't work and neither does spanking her or taking things away. In fact Bill has her baby Elmo right now and it doesn't seem to phase her in the least. I have talked about this with my Aunt Gale and she thinks that the relationship E and I have is so close and comfortable and all consuming, that Elizabeth doesn't worry that I won't love her and she knows I will forgive her no matter what. For all of Elizabeth's life it has mainly been just her and I. We share a bond that even most other moms and children share and I believe it comes from everything we have been through together. Therefor disciplining her has become a chore. It really burns my butt that she will act afraid or respectful of Bill and will listen to him and is afraid to make him upset or mad, but she doesn't blink an eye when she upsets me. He only has to threaten discipline, where as I can threaten and even follow through and she just looks at me as if to say, "that's nice mom, but I will do it again as soon as I can."

Now, I know that a lot of this is her age and showing me her independence and sense of self, but it is really starting to get old. I am so frustrated from fighting with her day in and day out. It is so tiring and takes such a toll on me. There are days I can't wait for her to go to bed just so I can have 5 minutes of peace and quite and even then there are times I'm still fighting with her. This last week I have just wanted to sit down and bawl my eyes out, out of sheer frustration. It is so hard being a single mom and not having much support. My sister is wonderful and helps me out when she can, but she also has her own little one right now and a family of her own. And Bill really tries to help me out as well and being over at his house is such a relief for me at times, because he will honestly take over fighting with her and let me have a breather for a minute or two. Other than that I don't have anyone I can just leave E with for a few hours so that I can take a walk or just drive around aimlessly to relax and unwind.

And now we have the feeding clinic coming up, which I am so thankful for, but yet again......it's all me. Elizabeth and I are with each other 24/7 practically and it gets hard. There are times I just want my own breathing room, but instead I have E wanting to climb all over me and love on me and have me hold her and kiss her and hug her and on and on...... And I do like to cuddle with her and hug her and love her, but I also need my own space as well. I also need adult companionship too, which I don't get much of cause I am always with Elizabeth and going to Dr appointments or therapy and what not.

I don't mean to sound ungrateful and resentful of Elizabeth. But I just never imagined when I had her that I would be walking this path by myself with little to no support. It is a hard job for a single parent of a totally healthy, normal child. It is much harder for a single parent of a child with health issues and developmental issues. It is no easy feat. there are days I just wish I had someone else to help me and take over the care and raising of Elizabeth for a few hours. Just to even be allowed to take a shower in the middle of the day without having to worry what she is getting into and how long do I have? can I actually shave, or just wash up real quick?

I know my depression doesn't help matters any, but I am doing the best I possibly can with the hand that was dealt to me. I feel that for the most part I have done a fairly decent job, but I do know I could do better. And I guess I am just writing this all here, cause I needed a place to vent and get it all out. And for the record, Elizabeth has been in here at least 10 times in the ten or so minutes it has taken me to write this, with everything from wanting on my lap and to hold her, to wanting something to eat or drink(which she just says so that I get her something and she doesn't eat it), to wanting a bath, or the real funny one, telling me she is tired, which I know she's not......ughhh the joys of parenting!!!