This time of year is always a little difficult for me. Saturday would of been my mom's birthday. For those of you that aren't familiar with whom I am talking about I will explain. My biological mom and dad separated when I was 5 and my dad raised my sister and I. He remarried a women named Sally. She was the person I called mom for about 20 years. I didn't know my own mother growing up, but that is a whole nother story for another time. Sally for me was the only person I had ever known as a mom. She was such a remarkable person with such a zest for life. She was sick my entire life knowing her, but I'll be damned if she lever let it get in her way. Most people never really knew the struggle my mom went through on a daily basis. She worked most of the time, even when going to dialysis 3 times a week. When I was only 13 she had her first kidney transplant and it came from her brother, my Uncle John. Unfortunately the kidney only lasted roughly 3.5 years and then she needed not only another kidney, but a liver transplant as well. She got that in the fall of 1995, the beginning of my senior year. I'll never forget my graduation day as she sat there hugging my crying and telling me she never thought she would live to see my graduate. I never realized how scared she had been and how she had thought so many different times that it was the end.
My mom and I had a falling out in the summer of 1996 and didn't speak again until I want to say, 2000. I will never forgive myself for all those lost years in between. I have looked back on it so many times I have wanted to kick myself in the ass for being such a bitch and not being mature and making amends with her sooner. I can never get those years back and now I regret it more than anyone will ever know. I can say I am thankful we did have the time between 2000 and 2003, when she passed away. We didn't see each other a lot, but we both knew how much each other cared and loved one another. I was even able to buy her a mother's ring with all three of her girl's stones in it. That for me was something I had always wanted to give her.
Sitting here now it is hard for me. I look at my own daughter, who so many people have told me reminds them of my mom. And it is so odd, because there is no blood there. However, I did name Elizabeth's middle name after my mom's middle name, which was Ilene. The best compliment I ever received came from my Uncle John at my cousin Ashley's wedding reception. He pulled me aside and told me that he can see the spirit of Sally live on through Elizabeth. That meant more to me than I think even he will ever know. There are so many days that I just want to call my mom up and tell her about my day or all the things that Elizabeth has been through and how strong she is, cause I know if anyone would be able to fully understand, it would be my mom. I wish for nothing more then for my mom to have been able to meet Elizabeth just once. I think she would be so proud of her granddaughter and what a remarkable little girl she is. I know that with every decision I make I wonder if my mom would be proud of me and if she would agree with what I am doing. Every time my grandfather or any other relative tells me how proud my mom would be of me today and my daughter it makes my heart warmer and I can then feel her presence with me so much.
When in the hospital with Elizabeth the many times we have been there, especially at U of M, I have felt my mom watching over my little angel here on earth and I know it is because of her that Elizabeth is with me know. There have been so many times in Elizabeth's short life that I have felt someone nudging me ever so gently to do things that have turned out to be what has helped keep Elizabeth alive. I want and need to believe that it has been my mom's guiding hand doing that for me. I plan to make sure that Elizabeth knows of her namesake and what a wonderful, strong, courageous, tenacious, and shining women she has named after and how much I know her grandmother loves her even now.
Saturday is my mom's birthday and for me it's a day to remember my mom in all the ways that I can. So right now I just want to say Happy Birthday Mom, I love and miss you so very very much!!!
This is a poem I wrote for my mom the day she passed away:
MOM All the years of pain and struggle
You were such a strong person through it all
Never one to complain
Always worrying more about your loved ones
I admired your spirit, courage and determination
There are so many things I never told you
And now I'll never get the chance
But in Gods arms you are now
In pain you'll no longer be
You left us all so suddenly
But you did it the way you would have wanted
We'll all miss you and grieve for you
But we'll also remember all the laughter and joy
You brought to each one of us
In your own special way
You were my beacon in the storm
My hero through it all
Anyone can be a mother
But it takes someone VERY special to be a mom
And I'm so proud to call you my MOM
I'll love and miss you Mommy!
Your loving daughter Jennifer Lynn
July 27, 2003
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I LOVE YOU
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